july in closing.

it's six oh six in the morning and i'm sitting here with the usual coke and cigarette before i leave at precisely 6:20, or perhaps 6:21 if i'm feeling particularly spontaneous today.

last night was the first night in a long time i went to bed without sandra being in my direct vicinity, and it was dreadful. she has another night at her parents' chalet; they're celebrating her grandfather' birthday. it's amazing how dependent of her i've become.

luckily, my cat is an annoying fuck and insisted and rubbing his stupid little face on my hands for about an hour before i finally fell asleep, which truthfully, made falling asleep a tad easier. soon i have to leave for my usual nine hours. i want to surprise sandra lee when she gets home, so tonight i'm going to do all of the dishes and do all of the cleaning i told her she has to do when she gets back home (besides her clothing).

last night i had a good amount of time to play games too. so far this season is looking good for warcraft 3, my record is 24-12 in random team, and i'll be starting solo again by next monday, after training. on my off time from warcraft 3, i've mostly been playing lord of the rings online, slowly grinding away to 60. anyone who knows me knows how much i loathe the level grind, but lotro brings story into it. at level 15ish, you're told by strider who has just crossed the nine, to do a series of quests that eventually brings you to gandalf, who sets you upon book 2 of your epic journey, which is another chain that starts at about level 26.

i haven't really had real friends lately, but i guess that's a part of moving in with your girlfriend. whenever you can't go out or aren't accessible it means that you're whipped or never try to spend time with your friends. i'll probably start making some new friends by work, but at this rate i don't really care. life has been completely drama free for about a month now and i'm starting to appreciate all of the time i have to do whatever i want.

nearly seven months have passed with sandra now, and for the first time, i've gone this long and still feel the same i did at the beginning. i guess it's about time to save up for her birthday gift, there's only three months left to do so.

sleep is impossible.

i started downloading a game i'm extremely excited to play called runes of magic. alas, even if i finally muster the strength to quit wow, i turn to one of it's various clones; what a surprise. due to the fact that i'm excited, i'm still awake at 4:40 am. i'm planning on getting about 4 hours of sleep shortly as the game downloads.

this week has been different; i got my thousand dollar tax refund, my girlfriend turned into the best possible version of herself nearly over night, and i finally got some time off of work. all i need now is a new job and i'll be one happy kid.

i haven't really written anything about myself in a while so i suppose it's good that i do; i'm moving in with my girlfriend on july 1st, and i'm absolutely thrilled about it. things get rough sometimes as she has a hell of a temper, but most of the time, she's the most beautiful and caring creature i've ever had the pleasure of knowing.

besides that, i've been trying to learn how to control my money in a more competent manner since living in an apartment costs money. i dropped out of school which isn't too much of a surprise. if all goes well, i'll start as a L1 or L2 cashier at Desjardins soon and get my career started. i'm also suddenly interested in music again, which is fantastic.

i've also decided i want some new clothing, here are some potentials, all from UO.

the first picture: vest
the second picture: militia coat
the third picture: blazer

and i need a new tie soon.

also, in other news, i'm most likely getting a variation of the aries sign tattooed on my right hip.
i'll post it up once it's done.

i'm really angry at you, and i know i'd be better off breaking our ties.
i love you, and i could never live without you.

i'm unaware at what actions i must perform given the current circumstances.

if you're going to cheat on me, just dump me. it feels like that's the direction you're going, and i can't handle the stress.

if this is all in my head, learn to treat me better. be nice to me, act like you're attracted to me (if you are), act like you want to be with me (again, if you actually want to be), and be my girlfriend. keep it simple, and tell me what you think. tell me when i fuck up, and i can learn to not do it again.

i don't know what to say to you other than i love you, but it's true.
i love you.

i worry every single day that the current day could be the day you end this.
i love you as i've never loved anyone and every form of displaying it, either verbal or action seems completely inadequate. i don't know how to express it, because i know that although it makes sense in my head, you will read or hear things in a different way.

i would spend my life with you if you gave me the chance.
i guess we'll just have to wait together and see.

& regardless of whether you stalk my blogspot or not, i believe i need to write it out to confirm it's validity. if you decide you can't deal with this now and end it, i will wait for you for as long as my mind and body can stand it.

i will always love you, sandra lee grégoire.

i feel like the most disgusting of all scum.
for the first time in four years i know something's wrong, and i'm not completely aware as to what.
it's been two days and i can't stop holding back tears.

my guess that fear of losing the only thing i love triggered a release of four years worth of held back emotion. i'm not really aware of what i should do, i see three choices: get fucked up, fuck myself up, or just deal with it. i'm leaning towards the first since the third seems improbable and the second seems mediocre and childish, although the same could be said for the first option.

this is the hardest week i've ever had.

i had a fucking terrible day today. work blew, leaving sandra blew (i always miss her whenever i'm away from her), school blew, and most of all, finding out my parents aren't coming home tonight as they're in the hospital with my sister due to heart problems, really fucking blows.

it really seems like everyone in my family is physically falling apart besides myself, and i almost feel guilty that i'm healthy.

fuck i'm worried, and fuck this has been a lousy day.

good morning dearest of all journals;
typically i fucking hate mornings, but this week is phenomenal. it appears as if the happier i am, the less frequently i write. anywho, this wonderful girl that i've been dating for a month has been the only thing on my mind lately, and for the past two weeks, every time we'd be looking into each other' eyes i'd be repeating i love you in my head, in quiet fear that i may eventually vocalize said thoughts. well, two nights ago, it happened. i told sandra that i'm in love with her, and to my complete fucking awe, she said it back in the most sincere of tones.

this is one of the periods in my life where i realize i have everything that i want and need, and i appreciate it more than ever. being with her has also inspired me to do several things;

1. stop being lazy in many different subjects.
a. do homework and study and go to class so i can pass school and be something eventually.
b. get 2 tattoos before summer.
c. release a 4 song ep by august
d. when summer begins, restart skateboarding, minimum a day a week.
e. apply at american apparel/urban/h&m before the end of may.

2. succeed; no matter what aspect it is, all of a sudden i feel like i need to succeed, whether it's work, music, etc.

3. try to look as good as possible and be the best possible boyfriend, and continue to try to make her as happy as possible.

yes, i know i sound like a huge fucking faggot, but i feel perfect for once and it's nice.

on top of the whole being in love thing, i got 40$ which is going to pay for breakfast and cigarettes. fuck yes!

good night/morning blogspot readers.