i feel like the most disgusting of all scum.
for the first time in four years i know something's wrong, and i'm not completely aware as to what.
it's been two days and i can't stop holding back tears.

my guess that fear of losing the only thing i love triggered a release of four years worth of held back emotion. i'm not really aware of what i should do, i see three choices: get fucked up, fuck myself up, or just deal with it. i'm leaning towards the first since the third seems improbable and the second seems mediocre and childish, although the same could be said for the first option.

this is the hardest week i've ever had.