i feel like the most disgusting of all scum.
for the first time in four years i know something's wrong, and i'm not completely aware as to what.
it's been two days and i can't stop holding back tears.

my guess that fear of losing the only thing i love triggered a release of four years worth of held back emotion. i'm not really aware of what i should do, i see three choices: get fucked up, fuck myself up, or just deal with it. i'm leaning towards the first since the third seems improbable and the second seems mediocre and childish, although the same could be said for the first option.

this is the hardest week i've ever had.

i had a fucking terrible day today. work blew, leaving sandra blew (i always miss her whenever i'm away from her), school blew, and most of all, finding out my parents aren't coming home tonight as they're in the hospital with my sister due to heart problems, really fucking blows.

it really seems like everyone in my family is physically falling apart besides myself, and i almost feel guilty that i'm healthy.

fuck i'm worried, and fuck this has been a lousy day.